ANXIETY BEFORE CHRISTMAS DAY

contains triggers: (substance abuse, suicide)

Some people get flash backs in reliving past shit, be that traumna arguments and any manner of stuff that has no bearing on the present. It is called processing and is most common with people who live with ASD. They can be disruptive, destructive, persistent and long lasting, comp[arable to a wart on your finger, these things refuse to budge regardless of the remedies and other treatments on offer. They offer not good, no salvation and are generally debilitating and injurious to our mental health. For everybody else who may also be on the ASD there are also flash forwards, these things have not happened yet except in our own minds and yes they can and or are just as destructive, offer very few if any positives are almost impossible to shift away from. Both cause hideous amounts of anxiety, upset the bowels causing frayed tempers and plentiful shouting and other unpleasantness. Christmas does nothing to improve any of this, nor does the time of year, the people we are sometimes expected to deal with. (If any) There is a whole host of other shit too, sometimes it just gets too much and the best idea is to either drown it out with something else. ( Not an option) Or do the next best thing. (Tempting) At least that would stop this persistent and often intolerable discomfort in my face… However that would be too damned easy, plus who would look after the cats?

Essentially speaking I do not like this time of year and after last year I think I dislike it that little bit more. Actually last year was good fun, with relatively good company not that I would ask for the same again. Which is a rather long story and there is not space enough to write about here. Well TBH there is space, plenty in fact, but that person is simply not worth the writing about anymore. What is dead is dead, nothing at least not in the realm of common sense will bring that thing back. J will understand when she reads this, she gets to know most of my shit and I get to hear lots of hers in return. Both of us have tons of shit, one of us. ( The gardener) Puts that shit to good use and transforms it into something else. Manure helps the Roses and other plants grow, it helps with creativity too and that is one way of dealing with anxiety and other negatives. The other one is of course gardening, clearing rubbish away, making rubbish to clear away and a host of other like things to go with it. The rest of the time I simply go down to the gym and have a work out, it takes the edge off of things and helps restore some sense of order. The trouble is of course putting everything in order, clearing rubbish away before the rubbish is ready and that kind of thing. Clearing the fridge and freezer before re-stocking it and buying stuff with no place to put it. ( This has yet to happen) And a whole host of other things besides.

What else? There has been very little on the creative front of late, I have either been re-watching old DVD’s or at class. Karate is another great way to let off steam and last night we were all mostly doing Kata, which was even better. I have plans to do some drawing later on and in the meantime I am getting a little antsy as I am running out paper. Or at least I am running out of my preferred source of paper, that currently being A3 multimedia 250gsm. Perhaps I ought to just adapt, roll over and accept change for what it is, or should I just go out and buy some new? parking in town is abysmal, public transport is ghastly and the out of town place is simply sketchy. Whereas I would normally cycle and go get the product I need, I simply distrust the weather right now and that activity is now largely confined to the gym for the season.