THE DAMAGE DONE

I may have written a blog with this title once before, perhaps somewhere in the long forgotten past. Not that it matters of course this blog in one form or another has seen several changes of web address over the years. Not as a result of inflammatory writing and or opinion but more the result of MENTAL HEALTH crises, some of which are controllable and others well… happily in some respects at least I am managing to take my foot off the pedal before I do serious mischief to myself these days, recognising the signs, resisting the urge to hold back on and control the somewhat spurious need to rip stuff apart,  throw my possessions away and call myself Jessica or Tigerlily and anything in between. (If you don’t believe me, you can mail me for evidence) Anyway in attempting to at least get a hold on the bundle of nerves in my head I find new and innovative ways of dealing with things. None at the present involve alcohol, dodgy relationships and or other serious foolery, I have tried them and to be honest they only hurt and of that I am tired. The only place hurt happens is now in a controlled environment, where it can be given back in equal measure or at least that is the idea. Karate teaches above all discipline, it is truly something we can take home with us and apply to our everyday: work play and everything else that happens along. Not going cause you are feeling lazy, pissed off r something else only makes the negative worse, going to class overcoming ego and sweating alleviates this negativity and we can go home feeling better for having gotten some bruises and being kicked in the shins a few times.

“Pain” As a past Sensei once said to me “Is weakness leaving the body.* “It is a figment of the imagination and for each blow you take in training, know that its one less that will hurt in a serious confrontation.” Not being afraid of what some idiot may do to you, but more being concerned with what you may do to them. That is why I sometimes find myself having to walk away from situations and or relationships and never go back. By relationships I do not speak about romance, quite the opposite in fact when the veil is lifted and you see something or someone for what they really are then sometimes it is the best if not only option. These can be and are often foretold in dreams from interpersonal communication from others more knowledgeable and with first hand experience. Other times it just boils down to simple intuition and the simple truth of “If he does / says that again I may just have to take his head of.” “Or should I wait until he comes for me, cause I can see the madness in his eyes and he just isn’t worth the hassle of it all.”

Life is much more peaceful when we find peace in ourselves first, removing the so called need to inflict trouble on ourselves and even think the same kind of thing makes for a much more pleasant life. taking up gardening, keeping your patch neat and tidy, wobbling about on top of ladders whilst strimming the hedge, pruning the Roses all have their benefits as does watching the Goldfish in the pond. Even hauling sacks of manure from the car to the greenhouse has its benefits, you can kid yourself that you live in the countryside for a start. And where better a place to live than in the countryside away from the noise and smoke of the city, the only thing I am missing is a cow which to be honest is something I could probably do without as my garden is quite small and she would demolish the place, not too mention crapping everywhere.

As for everything else I find great satisfaction in painting, fussing the cat(s) Is an optional extra. if Naomi is reading this then it remains to say Hello beautiful, I will be painting more of you again soon.